| Life in Berkeley is going pretty well. |
[Jul. 1st, 2009|11:35 pm] |
At the start of summer I decided to make a big decision, I decided not to come home. I consider myself incredibly lucky. Despite what may seem mundane I have a loving and supporting family. I realize not everyone has this sort of support. My family has always been there for me, whether sitting by my bed at the hospital when I was 10 and was diagnosed with Type I Diabetes (which effectively ended my childhood) or listening to my first 1-4 years of attempting to play any number of brass instruments. They have tolerated me, at times chided me, but unconditionally loved me and appreciated me for my successes and failures.
Needless to say moving out was a huge deal for me, my mom, my sister, my brother, and (I like to think) my dog. Despite my family's attempts to persuade me otherwise I decided to try to be independent and live on my own. Providing myself with food, a job, paying rent and all the real life things I never really had to deal because my mom dutifully took care of it all with basically zero support from my dad. I decided that I had to take responsibility for myself and since my lease starts today that was another reason along with the higher paying jobs up here and greater opportunities in general.
I didn't get a job immediately and by immediately I mean for about a month. I applied to around 50 jobs and grasped at straws with many of them. Eventually, I was successful with a "field canvassing" which lets be honest should be called what it is...Door to door solicitation for a good cause. Then I also got a job calling alumni for donations to Berkeley and an internship with the United Nations Association. I was optimistic about these jobs because I could see the experience would be directly applicable to working on a Senate Campaign next spring that would enable me to jumpstart my political career right out of college.
Let's just say my career of "field canvassing" ended abruptly today for a number of reasons...mainly bc I failed to achieve a minimum quota. I am disappointed with that, but this is not the point of me writing. This is more about teaching a lesson in an almost allegorical fashion.
I have always been a private person, afraid to put myself out there for fear of being hurt by any number of people. I have been afraid to trust people because people other than the family I mentioned at the beginning let me down and at times hurt me (sometimes unintentionally) when I needed their support. However, this job has helped break down some walls I've held up for a long time. I found direction and purpose. Even though I failed to achieve a number I achieved something greater for myself. I realized a lesson. I realized worth and value. I starting showing the type of person I am beneath the untrusting, private person.
I should point out that this like the point in Lifetime Specials when people are supposed to cry and feel something. Its the point where you, the reader are supposed to consider what sort of things you are taking away from your experiences. Are you making decisions at face value? Or are you looking deeper to take what you can from the things you do even if you fail?
I've always tried to be the second type. I don't believe in giving up and I don't believe that failures are indications of worth and value. I am still learning how to be an independent, ethical adult that will make the world a better place whether knocking on peoples doors or talking to people on a daily basis. This is what I believe everyone should do to "Build a Better World" and a happier life.
I leave you with my favorite quote I learned in one of my least favorite classes last Spring:
"Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree today.'"
~Martin Luther
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| Mt Whitney |
[Aug. 3rd, 2008|10:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  optimistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Brain Stew-Green Day; A Yo- Andre Nickatina | ] |
"There are two sides to every mountain."
I got back from Mt. Whitney tonight. It was a pretty awesome weekend and yet it wasn't nearly as hard as I had imagined. We didn't get to the top yet I know I could have had we not been late in leaving and not had to wait for the unprepared person in our group. Though we didn't make it to the summit we were only 900 ft short and 2 miles left with our max altitude at 13,600 ft. I didn't get altitude sickness and I made it through the toughest part with the hell of 96 switchbacks. I made it to the "top" first and waited for a half an hour for the other two to catch up. It sucked that we decided that we should go back because our 3pm turn around came up while we were taking a break at Trail Crest (13,600). I wish I had just stonewalled and gone for the top despite everything that is reasonable because I was feeling good up there and had a good pace going before I had to stop and wait.
I guess we did the right thing and after we turned back Mark got really bad altitude sickness when we got back to base camp but still...I wanted to make it so badly; I trained all summer for this the beginning of May. I've been thinking about this quote since we had to turn around,
"There is a fine line between courage and stupidity."
Sometimes you have to just go for it even though it may seem silly and sometimes you shouldn't. Imagine how we would look on Benjamin Franklin if he had been struck by lightning when he was flying a kite in a lightning storm...Often a bad consequence is the discriminating factor between the heroes and idiots in life...
It wasn't that we couldn't make it was just the fact that we ran out of time.
Going down the mountain should have taken 40% of the time it took us to get up. It took 10hrs to reach the Trail Crest (including breaks) so it should have taken 4 hrs to get down. Yet it took 7hrs for a total of 17hrs out on the mountain. It mainly took so long because Mark got really sick and the pace was excruciatingly and frustratingly slow. I've never been so close to just saying fuck it and just ran down the rest of the way. Apparently I had a crazy wide eyed look where it seemed like I'd kill anything if something else went wrong according to Casey. Sleep deprivation+exhaustion+frustration are a bad combination for me.
Now all I want to do is get in better shape, hike, run, or climb the next biggest hill that gets into my way and climb down it successfully. Before I leave for Berkeley I'm going to do a 20 mile or so hike from Rocky Peak to White Face at the top of Erringer. Its awesome that even though I didn't make it I feel like I can tackle anything. I can't remember the last time I felt like that. I didn't let my diabetes stop me and I know my physical limitations and I have an awesome outlook on everything right now. =D |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 24th, 2008|12:02 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
I haven't written in here awhile which is not why I'm writing in here now. I guess a lot has been happening but I feel like its been nothing. People seem to be drifting apart. I mean some people just don't give a shit and that's understandable because if you don't give a shit you wouldn't do anything but then there's others that are good friends that are more likely to just go to sleep or whatever than hang out. Maybe I'm still at the point where I want to enjoy every opportunity I have and spend it with people I really care about and won't see for a long while in little more than 2 weeks. I don't know. Sometimes I think I care too much and show that too little. I've been more open about things lately which isn't to say I wasn't honest before but now I'm more likely to tell how I really am or what I really think or feel. Its good except when you hurt people...ehhh yeah it sucks when things happen that shouldn't have and then are left in a weird gray area. The end but not really.
I want to enter a 100 word fiction contest but both my beginning and ending took up 10 words alone. That's 10 percent of my story! "Unce upon a time...and they lived happily ever after."
So far this week I've run or biked almost 30 miles. woo. I've worked out a lot too and I'm getting in really good shape even though my six pack isn't quite there, but its mostly for the Whitney hike. It sucks though because my work is being a little bitch. I requested the weekend off like a month in advance and my manager forgot of course (granted she getting married the same weekend) but now I may or may not get the weekend off in which case I will be pissed because I've been training all summer for this one weekend that I want off and now I might not get to do it. Tomorrow I find out for sure and if I don't I'm going to be pissed. It might be one of those awesome situations where I give my notice that I'm going to transfer to the Berkeley store in 3 weeks too. haha That sucks.
Other than that I've been enjoying my time with people. Beach, dinner, swimming, working out, making an Indo Board, playing guitar and for now playing small bone in the Ventura Jazz Orchestra. I "audition" for Cal Band soon and have to figure out my loan situation too. ugh Fun stuff. I don't want to leave certain people here at home...I've never spent 10 hrs with someone and had it feel like 2 hrs of hanging out and have the same awesome feeling being with that person. I almost wanna do something reckless and foolish because I feel for her so much. Early start kills me. I hope she'll visit but I doubt it. So this is why I enjoy all the time I have left to have it be the same because I know that it won't be the same at the end of the month... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 15th, 2008|09:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
I like the phrase "It's Complicated" when talking about relationships because its a nice way of saying things are fucked. "It's Complicated." It sucks when a person wants you but you want someone else but thought you wanted the person you know wants you but only realized you still want the other person when you were with the person that wants you. That's kinda what happened with me except that might not be the only way of looking at it...
So some people are pissed off at me for this situation now and it sucks because they weren't even the ones involved in it, which is bullshit. I feel bad enough without people telling me what I did was wrong in more colorful ways. This actually really pisses me off.
Things are better with her and me except she still wants me and I keep telling her I can't be with her. Sucks.
I'm sleepy from waking up at 5am two days in a row. Yuck. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 13th, 2008|09:46 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Lies-Glen Hansard | ] |
The worst kind of lies are the ones you tell yourself and emerse yourself in until the time when you finally realize the truth and are so jarred awake that you disbelieve the truth you have discovered. I always like to think I try to do the right thing but when I realize I haven't been its a rude awakening. Then the decision arises...continue to lie to yourself and now, knowingly lie to others. Obviously I can't do that but the truth hurts and I don't want to hurt anyone else. God...I don't want this... |
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| "Choose Your Destiny" |
[Jul. 10th, 2008|01:11 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
Sometimes things change really unexpectedly. Its like life just hit a veer in the road and the trajectory you had your heart and mind set on suddenly went awry but really maybe you were headed in this direction for a long time without really knowing it.
I think who I've been focusing on is back with their ex or if they aren't they aren't giving me the time of day. Maybe its because I'm leaving in a month or whatever but all this is speculation. I don't know. I've been thinking about this one idea lately and its not really new but I think I've realized the importance of it after thinking about it and experiencing its truth. Its kinda like when you read a book that you are too immature to grasp and then go back and read it years later to understand the message and truth in it.
So lately I've been thinking that their is very little we have control of; in fact their is only ever one thing we control... what we do through our actions. We can't control others reactions; whether people will love us or hate us, laugh or cry, has a happy ending or a sad ending. Instead all we can do is choose what we do wisely and recognize our humble place where what we do is of a limited impact. Its funny though that just by deciding what we do can so influence what happens with a situation. So it is as if even though we have limited control we have a lot of influence in what happens in a situation and as a result depending on how and what you do you influence your own path. Its kinda like Mortal Kombat "Choose your destiny". Except that really doesnt make sense because destinies can't be chosen or else they are no longer destined to occur. Still I like this idea because not only are you liable for what you do in a very big way but you also are not liable because of your limited control.
People keep telling me I'm too philosophical about everything but this is how I am. Yes, I sometimes over think things but I think its silly to criticize someone for thinking too much if that is the way you are. I think recently I've become so comfortable with who I am that "I don't give a hoot about what [people] think". Honestly if you reach a point where you are happy with who you are and yet still try to become a better person then who cares.
So I think this whole entry applies to my love life kinda. Things are gonna change but there is this weird give and take thing in life; one girl leaves and doesn't return calls and another one comes along who is interested in you and does talk to you. It might sound shitty and insensitive but after trying with someone at some point you have to recognize the reality and move on.. I still feel weird about having to leave in a month but hopefully I can figure out paying for it and loans and girls. haha But I'm happy again after I was a little depressed for awhile. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 3rd, 2008|12:43 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  irritated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Loose Lips-Kimya Dawson | ] |
Sometimes I feel these feelings of hopelessness and futility. Its not for me really its just for the world in general. Like no matter what people try to do people will fulfill their own shortsighted desires. I don't exclude myself from this either I am very shortsighted as well and I am wasteful too, but what bothers me is when people refuse to believe that they are being short sighted. Its like the person that litters in a park or leaves their trash in a fast food restaurant and then rationalizes it by saying they are creating jobs or some nonsense. That is completely unrelated it is your responsibility and duty to pick up your trash or whatever. This is a trite example but it hopefully makes the point to some degree. I wish their was some magical moment when I realized this but to be honest the sum total of what I've seen of people leads me to this. I don't claim to be some sort of mystical expert on life either, I'm had my share of fuck ups but I guess it just bothers me how self-involved people can be, so much so that they lose sight of the bigger picture in everything. I mean seriously you've got one shot at this whole life thing unless your Buddhist or something (then you can have a second chance as a cow or some shit.) so why not be the type of person that looks at how you live up to your maximum potential in any number of things?
I mean if you're the type of person that eats a lot, drinks a lot, or indulges in whatever things that impede you from being the best person what kind of person will you become. Will you become egotistical because your satisfaction is all that matters? Will you become shallow because you refuse to see things of depth? All these thing seem to be the end result of a blindness to a large picture or making things better for their own sake. I know this sounds preachy and probably irritatingly so but honestly people are really ridiculous in general and maybe if people cared more about things around them this world wouldn't be so fucked up. |
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| Where am I? |
[Jun. 27th, 2008|11:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Carry You-Dispatch | ] |
Here I am. I haven't been here in awhile but what the hell, right?
So I've been working and junk. Its boring. I know "the ropes". I've learned how big of assholes people can be. A little part of my idealistic vision of most people being generally good dies every once and awhile at work. Every shift there is at least one of those people that haven't done something or try to freeload and I turn them away and they get all pissed because I do my job and uphold the rules. I am the gatekeeper, bitches. I generally give them a bored expression that says "Are you done yet?" after they start carpet bombing me with f-bombs and call me names. I used to get pissed at these people now I think its really funny how people get pissed at basically trivial things when they are clearly in the wrong.
Other than work I went to Berkeley the other week. It was cool-ish. Some things aren't that impressing, but those are all the reasons I didn't decide to come here and the reasons I did are all good. It was generally pretty good though. I thought they were gonna cut down those trees but they were just cleaning up tree people poo. I don't really think that necessitates news and the 15 news choppers but whatever. Again people are stupid, that seems to be a recurring theme in life.
I don't think I'm gonna room with Adam because I didn't get what I want and unless I get the room appeal I want (I probably won't) I'll be living somewhere else like maybe the band hall not that I really want to, but I'm poor so what the hell, right?
I was thinking I might have to take a semester off to pay for this shit. I haven't told my mom about me thinking this but I'll do whatever needs to be done to work it out.
Hmm... Stephanie is confusing or maybe I am just confused and stupid. Tomorrow might be good...
So I've been guitaring a lot lately yet I haven't been able to write any profound songs. I half-wrote a song about my dad written from his self-involved perspective. Its interesting I just wish I could write better. I listen to so many good bands and it really is hard to write things that are concise and profound (case and point... my lj).
I want to have a birthday party the week after next. Yes, you are invited. It might be a Sunday bc I don't work unless I can get Saturday covered. The break dancing contest is gonna be legit. Twister...Tequila body shots...maybe not all that but that'd be awesome.
I think the biggest thing that's been up with me lately is the feeling that nothing really matters at all. Like last night I went to SB after I couldn't buy this documentary called The Last Dispatch I really want, that I drove to Ventura to get but didn't. So I continued onto SB with Mark and met up with SP and went to some parties and didn't really drink and got home at 5am this morning. But before I left I had some profound thoughts in Freeb!rds while eating a 3am burrito. I felt really empty and like it didn't matter what happened. Like as far as anyone knew I was still in Simi doing my normal boring stuff yet I wasn't. And then I thought about what people should do and what they should live up to and how basically nobody lives up to that standard but we all try to live our lives believing that we are doing what we should when in most cases we do whatever and don't even think about it. This sounds kinda stupid as I'm reading it back to myself but I think my main point is something like the unexamined life isn't worth living. Its one thing to tell yourself you're doing the right thing but in order to really know sometimes you have to go and do wrong in order to realize what is right. I'm not sure if that makes sense or not but what the hell, right?
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 18th, 2008|12:24 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pessimistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Flint-Sufjan Stevens | ] |
I had a good day. I went for my first run since I broke my rib 3 weeks ago (Has it really been that long?) Alec and I set our first guitar on fire today and threw it into the sea. It would have been more symbolic if the lighter fluid Alec poured on it hadn't flared up to burn some arm hairs. I keep learning things about people that I would have never expected. (No example necessary.) I bought some good cd's. The new Offspring is amazing and the naked girl Louis XIV album I finally got is really good too. I feel this void in me sometimes that makes me feel like no matter what I do it doesn't matter. Its a certain futility in doing things because things seem bad even though they are pretty good for now. This probably doesn't make much sense but I really need to vent all these things that are going on somehow.
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 12th, 2008|12:34 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Moving Mountains-Thrice | ] |
Work is going well. I had one major douche customer who was ridiculous last weekend but its all good now because the managers totally had my back and threatened to terminate his membership. haha Things are going well though. I get commission on things I sell which will be nice if I ever get paid (not that I can spend it.) I love when members have outstanding dues because I get commission from when they pay it off. Today I had a good shift and sold quite a few things and someone paid off their dues too.
Next week I fly to Berkeley for orientation. I'm kinda excited. Yesterday I was seriously moping because I didnt really feel like I was looking forward to anything, but hopefully that will pass. Money is stressing me out. ugh
I've substituted rock climbing for hiking and its pretty fun. I really wanna climb but this broken rib - though a lot better- is messing that up.
Stephanie=? I don't know whats up with her. Danielle seems to think she likes me which is good enough for me but then she is inconsistent. Maybe its because I am inconsistent and not putting everything into it? I don't know but I want it to be resolved. I'm going to try to put everything into it but its hard to do since what has happened in the past...putting everything into someone and then ending up hurt. I'm not like I used to be by a long shot but I still think that if you want someone too much you will fuck yourself over.
I've been writing some songs or at least trying. I always come up with some good lines but I always have trouble putting everything together. hmmm... that seems to be analogous to other parts of my life.
" I have the keys to open any door
Give all of my possessions to the poor
But I don't know the first thing about love
And moving mountains ain't no thing to me
I've faith enough to cast them to the sea
But I don't know the first thing about love" |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 5th, 2008|12:29 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | amazing | ] |
| [ | music |
| | What It's Like-Everlast | ] |
Woo. Life is moving again. I started working at 24 Hr Fitness today and I pretty much see all of Simi Valley which is both good and bad. haha Its kinda nice though. A little repetitive but the girl I worked with was pretty chill. I feel like a fucktard sometimes not just because on the job training sucks and I sometimes don't know what I'm doing but my shirt is also too large and I tuck it in to hide that fact. The Manager pretty much scares me even though he acts nice (Notice that I didn't say he is nice.). The assistant manager is generally pretty chill though and reminds me of my manager at Play It Again Sports. I almost wouldn't mind going back there. I just need money and a set schedule, but it'd be weird. We'll see. I'm thinking It's A Grind will be good; I can work with my friend from the Honors Club , Jason. He's transferring to UCLA when he got accepted by Berkeley but I try not to hold it against him too much.. only kidding But that would be an awesome job that will force me to get over my coffee averse nature.
Stephanie is still on my mind. I want to hang out with her more, but I don't want to call her because most of the time I do she is busy or about to meet up with someone. I still think she is getting back with her ex but since I don't know for sure so I need to stop letting it get in my way. She is really fun to hang out with and really easy going.
So my buildering accident incident officially resulted in my having at least one confirmed broken rib. The good news is that since I went to the doctor and even though the didn't give me anything for it, it has been feeling a lot better. Today I could actually bend over and be able to twist left and right though its still limited.
I learned a new drinking game (though I didn't drink) while hanging out with people at one of Mark's co-worker's houses. Its pretty much a good drinking game in that it gets you drunk. I think the girl Mark likes is pretty awesome because she is and that she said some really awesome things about Stephanie which makes me happy.
I'm writing a couple new songs now. Lyrics are hard to write though. One is called "A la mode" and the other is "Lapses of Lunacy".
A la Mode is going to be about liking a girl and Lapses of Lunacy is about when people have freak outs every once in awhile.
I've been learning What It's Like by Everlast and Moving Mountains by Thrice. O yeah and the Thrice concert was out of control. EDIT Haha I put Everclear instead of Everlast. Something is obviously on my mind.
The end. |
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| No Gain No Pain or No Gain with Pain |
[Jun. 1st, 2008|01:12 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | discontent | ] |
Here's some randomness about my life right now.
I hung out with Stephanie.
I may have broken a rib.
My room has a bunch of huge cardboard boxes taking up like half of a wall.
I have a job at 24.
I need another job.
I want to climb Whiteface with people tomorrow...
I am confused about what's up with Stephanie.
Buildering is dangerous when not conducted safely.
Brick walls hurt when you fall onto them from sizeable heights.
Ex boyfriends are never good. (There's a reason they're exes).
Awesome girls that are far away suck because long distance relationships don't work.
I need to stop spending and start saving money.
I need to write a song.
I want to work out, run, hike, and rock climb...
I don't know when "the time is right."
I am not taking the right risks because I don't want to get hurt (emotionally), but ironically took the wrong risk and ended up getting hurt (physically).
So this is whats up right now. You probably can make sense of it all and if you can't thats fine because all these things are hard for me to make sense of too. I want to do something tomorrow, but I am not really sure if anything will happen. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 28th, 2008|01:36 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | down | ] |
Here I am again. Now I've been out of school for a couple weeks and its should be summer. I should have a job and be making money and on my off time hanging out with an awesome girl. Well none of that is going anywhere. I'm supposed to work at 24 and today was supposed to be my last interview...an interview with the store manager to actually seal the job and sign the papers, but the manager called in sick and they didn't bother to call me to let me know. So I didn't have my interview and after 30minutes of waiting the hiring manager came back from the bank to tell me this and that my interview will be later today or maybe tomorrow and she will call me back. So I didn't get a call back with a new interview. Wtf. I was so pissed I applied at Home Depot, and I really hate that kinda job as evident from last summer at Lowe's.
Then there is the other bane of my existence. Stephanie. We were supposed to hang out on yesterday and planned to. I called hera couple times and leave messages and get nothing. No call back to say she's busy or anything. I think I am through trying. I don't know where it got fucked up but somewhere along the way it did. It sucks because when we do hang out it really great and we hang out for a longggg time, but these are few and far between. I have a feeling that its another one of these getting back with an ex situation which is a terrible place to be when you like someone. Its really hard to like or have liked someone and still be a friend when they are getting back with their ex. It puts you in the place where you could be a douche and flirt or put the moves on her or try to be chill and go with the flow and have nothing come of it. I usually fall into the second and nothing comes of it. It sucks and its even harder when its an amazing girl who doesn't take things too seriously and is easy to talk to. I've been trying not to be dwelling on it too much though unsuccessfully; I mean I have all next year to look forward to new things new girls at a new place.
Somehow I've just been depressed or maybe just down. The reason I know is that I haven't done anything worthy of note for awhile. I tried to run but I couldn't even run a mile without stopping. Contrast that to last week when I was running 5 miles with few breaks. I haven't gone clothes shopping or worked on my Indo Board I started making. I haven't applied to many more jobs or anything.Its absurd. Everything was so awesome a couple weeks ago and then school ended and she started taking a dance class with her ex. Ever since then I we haven't hung out...except for one date a week ago. I am frustrated for sure and more pissed because I don't have anything to be distracted with. I want a job or something to take up my time. Or better yet a new awesome girl that doesn't have an ex that wants to get back together. Fuck. Summer time and the livin's easy...not. |
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| “Don’t be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin.” -Grace Hansen |
[May. 23rd, 2008|02:59 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | pensive | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Revelations-Audioslave | ] |
So I found this looking at stuff for Mike's graduation speech. This would probably make an awesome speech, but the main idea is something I and (I think) everyone could always do better. I don't agree with everything this person wrote but a lot of it seems like good advice barring the bias of the Christian part towards the end. I just think you can do all of these things and live a good and worthy life without the religious implications of it, but that's just me. To each's own...
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| F-Bomb |
[May. 19th, 2008|01:05 am] |
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Fuck. History repeats itself or seems to be. I don't know what the fuck is up with it. Of course it might not be what I think it is...but then again it could be that whenever I start trying to have something with a girl they go back with their ex-boyfriends. If that is the case I think I'll just quit while I'm ahead and just go for fucking one night stands. Probably not though because I'm not like that. I am frustrated is all and I hate bullshit. Fuck it all. Why won't the Berkeley thing let me get an email address. Fuck. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 14th, 2008|09:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  reminiscing | ] |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 12th, 2008|01:03 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | resilient | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Pork and Beans-Weezer | ] |
Whenever life is in flux I have this sensation that the ground under me isn't really there. Its like I have this illusion of security built up that is really not that secure at all. I'm not sure what the hell I did all weekend. It seemed like a whole lot of nothing. Maybe because I have a lot of finals tomorrow...errr today. Or the fact that my paychecks disappear faster than I can believe whenever its the weekend. I'm not going to make this a latest gripe entry because I have enough of those already. I guess what I'm realizing is this is exactly how I felt before I went to Moorpark and went kinda crazy and did all that thrill seeking that ended in a car wreck literally. I know that's not going to happen because I'm not that stupid anymore but I guess what I'm realizing is how much I need that constant to hang onto. I hope its not a thing but a certain her and Friday night makes me think things will work out. But I don't want to be presumptuous or anything. Stephanie is just crazy awesome like pillow vs. pillow fights.
My phone is pretty amazing too. LG EnV2 beeyotch! And I was going crazy not having a phone for a day
I am done with finals later today. After I take 3 academic and 1 nonacademic finals. Then later this week I get a scholarship, a piece of paper, an Honors medallion, a dinner, and a party. Woo. And I will get a job. huah!
O and here are some awesome lyrics from "The S Song" that was jointly written by Mark and I. Guess who wrote which parts haha.
"S is the letter that I fall for.
S is the letter that I can't ignore.
And its the letter after R (Ahhhhhh-R)
Its the letter that you are.(Ahhhhhh-R)
Its called the alphabet..."
"Guess what next its, gonna be...ss-ex.
You know its because you are the best" |
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| What It Takes |
[May. 9th, 2008|02:51 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | pleased | ] |
My week has gotten better as it has gone on. I finished two classes worth of finals and will be getting A's. Dr. Pepper (Pfeffer) my Poli Sci Professor said a lot of good things about me after the final and really believes in me which is really encouraging. He says I am in the uppermost part of the class and that I have proven I have what it takes to take on the highest level universities. Pretty meaningful stuff. Its going to be really different not having him teaching Poli Sci; he was really like the Mr. Van Horn of Poli Sci for me.
So I have 3 academic finals on Monday. Shiiiiit. This weekend is gonna be crazy. I won a $1,000 scholarship and hopefully will win some more. So I am officially going to Berkeley next fall. It should be good and I totally need a change, and what could be more different than Berkeley? Its sad but I actually will miss Moorpark... I already kinda do because I made a lot of good friends there despite the negatives. I'm definitely going to miss tutoring and being away from Stephanie is going to be hard because we are getting really close. ugh. We aren't exactly an item...but give it a week or so...I feel like my situation is finally being straightened out. I know where I'm going to school, (I just don't know how to pay for school...), I am going to own my Women's History final, and I am going to get good grades, and my girl situation is a little clearer. It sucks that I am going to Sara's birthday thing and we are going to be a "just close friends" thing though she doesn't know, yet. It sucks because we are going to dance and what not and I have to let her know with out making her feel shitty on her birthday... ehhhhh difficult.
Next Thursday I get to attend 3 back to back ceremonies: Honors Program Recognition, Scholarship Award Reception, and Associates Degree graduation. Its exciting and actually feels like I've accomplished something...like half way to a bachelor's degree!
Then CLU Graduation on Saturday. Craaa-zy.
Has it really already been a year since last summer started?
Life is really good though. Now if only I could get a job. hmm... |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 5th, 2008|11:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | gloomy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Black Horses and Roses-The Renegade Conformist | ] |
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| Ugh and Excitement |
[May. 4th, 2008|08:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Sea Cave of Love-The Renegade Conformist | ] |
Sometimes I wonder why I say the one thing that I shouldn't tell someone. I really fucked up and did just that. It didn't seem to end up that bad but I'm wondering if my fuck up is going to lead to me having "fucked myself over". She is really awesome and I can't believe how similar we are. She's even a not completely a lefty lefty like me! I think that's why I feel like I can tell her pretty much anything and it makes me feel like I shouldn't keep anything from her like even stupid things. Fuck. We had some pretty deep conversations in our little Denny's booth too. haha That's sounds so cheap, but it was late and then really late by the time we left. haha
Mark and I recorded Sea Cave of Love last night. Pretty much hilarious and awesome.
"We'll build a fire of wood
Though you're not sure I should
We'll lay down in the sand
and just hold hands" |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 27th, 2008|01:24 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  swollen | ] |
So tonight. Hmm... my face got really swollen and looks like an asymetrical chipmonk. Nothing really hurts which makes swollen faced me even more pissed. If I'm going to look like shit I want to hurt like shit too. I don't want to hear "Man, you look like shit you must feel awful, eh?" And then have to say "No, actually I just look really shitty and I'm having the best day of my life."
O well.
I applied to a couple jobs I've been procrastinating on. Both of them I have references so I should be pretty solid on at least one of them. I applied to Costco and Wamu, but after thinking about it, I really want to apply to work at The Reagan Library. How chill would that be, sitting in a nice Air Conditioned place like that selling stuff out of a gift shop... man. That would be nice and chill. I'm definitely applying, even if I do work with old people and have to deal with little kids and tourists that would be an awesome job that pays well that I wouldn't have to do anything. If not that, then I'll be a bored banker. I really dont want to do the Costco thing because it reminds me too much of Lowe's and that made me really unhappy.
So the rest of tonight kinda sucked. She didn't call me back to hang out from her dance thing, so I've been talking to SP in SB.
I feel like I've been taking a lot of pills, but its all been what I'm supposed to be taking. Stupid swelling. Well fuck now I'm going to talk to a tipsy girl I have a semi thing for. Late |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 22nd, 2008|08:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | dark | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Pork and Beans-Weezer | ] |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 20th, 2008|04:39 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sobering up | ] |
I am posting right now because its really late. I had a good night for sure though right now I am in the downer side of coming off being pretty freaking drunk when you start thinking things that may or may not even be true and feel shitty. Basically its about a girl off course and its probably petty and presumptive and irrational. I guess its weird finding someone you feel like you connect with and have similarities with, but is also really different and just way freaking awesome. I don't like feeling like this because it leaves you open to being hurt, but I guess trust is part of being in a good relationship and being open is part of that too. Its cool being able to open up, but I also need to not get jealous and stuff too...and still be more assertive. So basically the Magic Castle was fucking amazing Friday night and it was awesome being "21". I can't decide what to make of everything and right now I really have some serious drunken munchies for a pita or something. Damn...Things are good and my friends are awesome and I think its a very good feeling to know things will be clearer tomorrow. |
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[Apr. 15th, 2008|03:55 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Tired Bones-Mad Caddies | ] |
Its almost 5am and I haven't slept yet which means I am 2hrs away from being awake for 24hrs straight. Ugh... Its kinda depressing being up this late...or early? You get really weird thoughts. "I have a good feeling in my chest and I'm not sure why, but I know who to blame and you make it alright despite the reality of my plight. Tomorrow can't come soon enough and I want you here."
Here is the song that I been listening to quite a few times...
So play on just play on
I've seen it all before so count me in
I hope this night justifies to let go of all I hide
Release my inhibitions in your sin
Well it's 1 2 3 you the world and me
Question what's it supposed to mean
Well like it or not this crazy life is all we got
Objective has yet to be seen
So take me out give me your energy
From the inside and just break me down
Wake me up and take my memory
It's mutiny all around these tired bones I'm coming home |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 13th, 2008|06:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | stressed | ] |
Things are still going. My situation is both more clear but still a little complicated. Its weird that I don't know what I want. I'm usually so sure of what I want, so I guess this is another change in me. In the interest of keeping my options open I've failed to realize or at least put a value on people I want to be with. Its cool though. I had dinner with SB girl and a 3rd wheel. It wasn't that weird because we are all good friends but I do wish he would have had dinner with someone else, but it was fun anyway.
I saw Tutor Girl dance and it was cool. We talked afterward and stuff and she made fun of how I didn't know what modern dancing was. I still think I'm right when I say that all modern means is "weird". Case and point, modern music...abstract, atonal and weird.
SC is crazy as fuck and I'm not talking to her anymore.
I am crazy stressed. I have way too much going on and a lot of responsibilities that will soon. I feel sick too. Maybe from last night, maybe from stress, maybe from not getting a very good sleep or everything together. I just want to sleep on a beach or something. |
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[Apr. 8th, 2008|08:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | pleased | ] |
Officially 4 more weeks until Finals. I am excited yet wondering what the hell I'm going to do. There are a lot of question marks in my life right now. But there are a few things that are certain...
- Rock climbing is awesome.
- I want to buy Rock climbing shoes.
- I am climbing (hiking) to the summit of Mt. Whitney in August.
- I am Transferring so long as I get at least a C in Women's History.
- I am bad at making choices.
- Tuesday Fiestas are awesome.
- I will soon play my new guitar.
- Finally getting Mark to burn the Juno soundtrack is awesome.
- Life is good despite uncertainties.
Things I am not sure of....
- What school I will be going to next year (though I may be leaning towards one)
- Dating situation
- Brain surgery. I still haven't figured out how to negotiate the abdulla complex
- How to gracefully tell a person with way too many problems (FUBAR) that I have my own problems and don't really have time to deal with hers without sounding uncaring and yet letting them know you don't really want to have to hang out anymore.
- What kind of job I'm going to have over summer.
- How I'm going to pay for school.
- How I'm going to be able to do everything that needs to be done when I keep adding things to the list faster than I finish them.
- How many scholarships out of the dozen or so I am applying for I will win.
- How to be the best person.
Somehow the lists are even... Yet, this still doesn't explain my resiliently happy disposition... Hmm...Confounding Variable! |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 1st, 2008|09:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | stressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Please Come Home-Dustin Kensrue | ] |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 30th, 2008|10:46 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | peaceful | ] |
Having "Just Friends" talks sucks. I've tried to avoid it going that way, but it never worked even though saying "I don't know if I want a relationship" is code for I don't think we should have a relationship. Some semi-crappy things happened, but overall all is well. Its just hard when someone is in such a bad situation with a messed up home where they get yelled at for no reason and definitely having her mom threatening to throw her out after staying out late with me makes things more difficult. I still care for her and I want to be there for her, but I can't do it was going even though it was pretty fun messing around until I felt guilty about it afterwards. I'm going to make the best of things though and be the supportive good friend I'm good at being. It feels good to know that you made a person really happy and its unrealistic that I be a literal knight in shining armor when I've got so much going on. Its okay though, I feel like I've become a better, more mature person.
I'm on Day 5 of Rockstar/Coffee Prohibition. Pretty soon I'm just going to have one, so I'll get to take "Girl from UCSB" out on a dinner date. I'm pretty excited and I love how I set this thing up. haha How lame, but awesome. I think she is who I like, but we'll see if there's anyone or if the drunken hook-up but not "hook up" meant anything or not.
School is going I guess. I still have "Sophmore-itis" waiting to transfer. Its really hard. I have to finish my assignment that was due Thursday but doesn't matter that its late and scholarships and blah, blah, blah.
How is everyone else doing? |
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zebramt's journal
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